In the closet!
by ChibiSoulReader
Summary: Someone knows your secrets hetalia.Read as the characters deny the obsurd to the fullest. Crack-ish
1. Italy In the closet

(B/c the only way to get rid of writers block is to troll Fanfiction and ruin character lives, also if you've never seen a "Know your stars" go youtube it but,…come right back here!)

Enjoy

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N. Italy version

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

"…Ve, Stars? Well I know the wishing star, the shooting star, the"

**Shut up! Feliciano Vargas, is a manly man.**

"*gasp* Really!"

**No… Feliciano Vargas sleeps, with other men. **

"I do! I sleep with my brother, and germany and jap-"

**Oh...um...Well then…Feliciano Vargas, is a pimp.**

"What is that?"

**It's what you are, Feliciano Vargas, is a pimp that hates pasta. **

"No, I'm a pimp that loves pasta!"

**No, Feliciano Vargas is a Pimp that hates pasta and sleeps in footy pjs**

"But…I love my pasta and I sleep naked"

…**Feliciano Vargas is a nudist pimp that hates pasta.**

" But I love pasta!"

**Now you know, Feliciano Vargas, the nudist pimp that hates pasta**

"But, I love pasta….Germany help!"

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Thanks for reading, I love these things


	2. Germany In the closet

"Italia no one is in here!"

Germany version

*door shuts*

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

"Vhat the hell…"

**Ludwig Beilschmidt has a ridiculous last name **

"I'm am very proud of my name…who are, show your self!"

**Ludwig Beilschmidt Sleeps with Italy**

"He gets in MY bed! *pulls out gun* If you don't show yourself, I _vill _shoot at random."

**Ludwig Beilschmidt randomly shoots his gun when he is drun**k

"I am not drunk."

**Oh really, then don't shoot your gun**

"Very vell, I von't…vait?"

**Ludwig Beilschmidt is a masochist **

"I vill end you."

**Now you know the Gay Temperamental Masochistic Ludwig Beilschmidt, who gets trigger happy when he's drunk. **

"…." *bang bang bang bang *

*door opens *" "Fuck, West! What are you doing?

"We have an intruder and I'm trying to kill him."

"*turns on light* West, your standing in a closet *coat falls off rack, they stare at it* "…go get some rest."

"I…*walks away confused*"

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**(Germany hears voices in his head, they talk to him, they understand….they talk to him, woah~)…*random song I just randomly remembered* **


	3. Sexy Prussian In the closet

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Prussia version

"Poor over worked west. "

*Door shuts itself*

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

"What, the Fuck?"

**Gilbert Beilschmidt, wishes! He had 5 meters.**

"..Wanna bet?… Who the hell are you anyways, open this door! *shakes handle*"

**Gilbert Beilschmidt he prefers beer over porn.**

"I do not! That is so un awesome! …I don't even need porn! Everyone wants my Awesome 5meters!"

**Gilbert Beilschmidt, is not Awesome.**

"… If there's one thing I am, I'm fucking AWESOME, so your sentence is WRONG."

**Gilbert Beilschmidt is a grammar NAZI.**

"Kesese, I should have let West kill you, unlock the door!"

**Gilbert Beilschmidt, you will be stuck in here with me, forever.**

"The hell I will *bangs on door* Somebody open the door! "

**Gilbert Beilschmidt, would love to be in a relationship full of commitment! **

"WHAT! That is the last thing on my awesome mind."

**Now you know Gilbert Beilschmidt, the un-awesome porn loving commitment man! **

**Go get him girls!**

***The foot steps of 10k fan girls echo.***

"**NOoo!" *busts open door* "never!" *runs***

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**(Well then on to torture the next character!…maybey I should makea these, the longer, no? )**


	4. Liechtenstein In the closet

(bwahaha let's see how many of these I will do before writers block goes away. )

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Liechtenstein version

"Okay brother, I'll be right there."

*Lili sucked in*

*door shuts*

Vash: "LILI!"

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

"um…Hello?"

**Lili Zwingli , you are a closet pervert**

"A closet what?"

**Lili Zwingli, shoots little bunnies.**

"I would never do that!"

**Lili Zwingli, Fantasizes about her own brother.**

"…Where…am I."

**Lili Zwingli, You are pervert in a closet**

"This doesn't make any sense!"

**Lili Zwingli, nothing makes sense to homicidal bunny killing perverts**

"Brother says, I shouldn't listen to people that don't make sense**"**

*covers ears*

**Lili Zwingli sucks her thumb at night**

"…"

**Lili Zwingli, can't hop scotch **

"…"

**Lili Zwingli …are you listening to me?**

"no"

**HA! Yes you are.**

"…Mr. Voice, you are incompetent."

**What!**

"Mr. Voice, has no body."

**I…I don't need a body! I'm a powerful voi-**

"Mr. voice, is very self-conscious about not having a body. "

**I am NOT! **

"Yes you are, it shows in your voice."

**Well, I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU ANYMORE! **

"Oh, well…can I leave now."

**No!**

"TeeHee, you talked to me"

**Aghhh, get out!**

*door slams open Vash rushes in *

"Lili are you okay?"

"I'm fine brother, let's go."

*They get out but Vash is sucked back inside.*…

*door slams shut*

Lili: "Vash !1" *shakes handle*

*door won't open :O*

*Whips out cell phone*

"Hungary help!"

Hungary: "What's wrong?"

Lili: "Vash is stuck in the closet."

Hungary: "…Vash …wants to come out of the closet…?"

Lili: Yes, he needs help!

Hungary: "FINALLY" *Calls Austria* *threeway line*

Austria: "Hello?"

Hungary: "Austria, I need your help to get Switzerland out of the closet."

Austria: "…"*hangs up,* "…" *dial tone*

Hungary: "…Don't worry he's on his way!"

Lili: "Thanks Hungary! " *hangs up*

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(Don't worry vash. Help is on the way. Oh that closet~ )


	5. Switzerland In the closet

(XD you faved this…Well thank you! anon Reviewer I will get to them all…hopefully.)

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><p><strong>Switzerland version<strong>

Hungary busts in with a Austria.

Hungary: "Lili, Austria's here to do whatever he can to get Switzerland out of the closet! Use him to your every need!"

Austria: …._Switzerland's in the closet…since when…wait? "_I'm sorry. I did not say I would-"

Lili: "Please Mr. Austria! My brother is stuck in the closet and I can't get him out, please help him."

*points to closet*

Hungary:…You…you meant an actual closet… *drops camcorder* darn it!

Lili: "Yes I meant an actual closet…what other closets are there?

Hungary: Well being in the closet means-"

Austria: "STOP!" _God forbid Hungary taints this child! "_I'll get Switzerland out of the closet."

*knocks on door.*

Hungary: *smiles to self*

Austria: "…Switzerland…? Are you in there?"

*In the closet*

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

"I will shoot you." *cocks gun*

**Vash Zwingli, once walked in on his sister in the bathtub, on purpose**

"No, I didn't…"

_-/- my eyes were closed, and she needed soap._

**Vash Zwingli, secretly loves wearing girls pajamas.**

"Show yourself so you can be killed!"

**Vash Zwingli, has a secret stash of Austrian porn by his cash stash underneath his bed. I've seen it.**

"You! Stay away from my money!" *aims gun at air* "show yourself!"

**Vash Zwingli, is never on time for anything.**

"…I won't be late to your funeral."

**Vash Zwingli, still has feelings for Austria**

"I've never had any feelings for Austria…"

**Vash Zwingli, lies to himself**

"Be a man and come out so I can kill you!"

*Turns around in circles aiming gun* -hits something- *shoots*

**Vash Zwingli, has horrible aim he just shot and killed his sisters favorite expensive coat.**

"argghhhh!" *reloads gun* -eye twitch-

"**The Swiss knife is a lie! It was made…in Austria"**

"….Your not making any sense.."

**Now you know the Sister coat killer Vash Zwingli who is a frugal transvestite that loves Austria and Austrian porn and is in self denial about his lateness to parties that don't involve incest or sexual referances to Austria.**

"..."

*outside close*

Austria: "I hear Switzerland talking to himself…and, gun shots?"

Lili: "Oh no! brother don't listen to him!"

Hungary: "Who else is in the closet?"

Lili: " Well-

*closet door opens Vash thrown out, lands on top of Austria in sexually suggestive position that Lili doesn't get.*

Hungary: -squeals- *goes to get camera beside closet, sucked in of course*

Austria: -Faceplam-

Lili: -shocked-

Switzerland: "Get your foot out of my-"

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><p>(Scared of closets yet? The suggestive pose…was very suggestive…just sayin')<p> 


	6. Yaoi in the closet

9 a/n Lol I make slighly innocent child hood memories, just come flooding back when you read these!)

Hungarian version

*In the closet*

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

"Porn stars, sky stars or regular manga stars...?**"**

**Elizaveta H****é****derv****á****ry, has a collection of black mailing pictures in her closet.**

"I got the sexual dirt on everybody!"

**Elizaveta H****é****derv****á****ry, wishes she was a man so she can enjoy gay sex with Austria.**

"…Who told you that? Was it Belgium…I swear her brownies are from Netherlands, they made me say it!"

**Elizaveta H****é****derv****á****ry, Once made out with Prussia for $2.24 **

"…Actually, I beat him up for $2.24."

**Elizaveta H****é****derv****á****ry, Stalks Sweden and Finland for explicit content.**

"Do you _know _how much that stuff goes for on E-bay? ."

**Elizaveta H****é****derv****á****ry, made Italy gay.**

"That was not my fault…no wait….it probably was."

**Elizaveta H****é****derv****á****ry, Secretly wants Romania.**

"I would like to leave, you're just rambling now."

**Elizaveta H****é****derv****á****ry, looks like I just found someone's weak point.**

"As if, that dog is nothing to me."

**Elizaveta H****é****derv****á****ry, wants to marry Romania.**

"Whatever! I do not!"

**Elizaveta H****é****derv****á****ry, wants to make **_**sweet love **_**to Romania.**

-twitch- "Stop! The horror!"

**Elizaveta H****é****derv****á****ry, wants to have romania jr.**

"I'm gonna be sick…so..sic-" -gag-

**Elizaveta H****é****derv****á****ry, not on the carpet please**

"Please…let me out."

**Elizaveta H****é****derv****á****ry, has a special stash of Romania nudies in her room.**

"…My mind has been traumatized." -passes out-

**Elizaveta H****é****derv****á****ry,…wake up…**

**Elizaveta H****é****derv****á****ry,…**

**Elizaveta H****é****derv****á****ry,…oh look, all smutty lemon filled Japanese doujinshi are on sale 75 % off**

-shoots up- "Holy hell where!"

**Elizaveta H****é****derv****á****ry, you pervert**

"Whatever where's the Doujin?…"

**Not here but, know you know the perverted Elizaveta H****é****derv****á****ry, that wants to be a man but Loves Romania and wishes to have his many children, hopefully boys so she can turn them gay and them sell picture of their inappropriate incestuous behavior. **

"Is there Doujin in here or not?"

**Elizaveta H****é****derv****á****ry, Get out.**

"Oh it's out there thanks!" -runs through door-

"Doujin!"

Austria: "hungary?"

Hungary: "I mean…I'm Freee!"

Lili: "What's a Dou...jin?"

Vash: -glares- "Control your woman Austria." -Walks off with Lili-

Austria: -_-#..."And all I did was try to help…Let's go home."

Hungary: -Blank face- "What?"

Austria: "I said let's go home…?"

Hungary: "There's 75% off doujinshi out there and I have to find it, I'll see you later Roddy!" -dashes off-

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(Yes Roddy, she left you for porn filled with you and Prussia and probably even Germany.)


	7. Iceland In the closet

(This fanfic was sponsored by ….-Hungary- and brought to in part by "Yaoi, the better side of anime life"

- Enjoy.)

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><p>Iceland version<p>

Iceland: Mr. puffin…where are you going?

*follows into closet…door shuts*

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

"…Mr. Puffin?"

**Iceland, wishes he had hats like the other Nordics.**

"…Who are you…Nor's ghoul?…did he tell you to say that? I'm perfectly fine without a hat"

**Iceland, pales in comparison to the other Nordics**

"Den…is that you?…Den stop being an overbearing ass…"

**Iceland, What's your human name…oh that right, you don't have one of those either.**

"…It's dumb to have two names anyways…."

…**Iceland, has a bird because he has no friends**

"Birds are better than people, for a great example, you."

**Iceland, you have fantasies about your brothers don't you.**

"…Incest…with,..Nor…"

**Iceland, I never said Incestuous fantasies **

"…-/-…"

**Iceland, seems someone's sexually sensitive about their nii-san.**

"I hate that car"

**Iceland, Good one, doesn't cover up the fact that you fap to your brother**

"What is a fap?"

**Iceland, you fap your tiny manhood to your brother don't you**

"Are you sick in the head, who asks these things?"

**Iceland you're the only Nordic, with out a dick**

"…That was lame, like I haven't heard that one before"

**Iceland, guess what, I've got your bird**

"Hand over Mr. Puffin."

**Iceland, I bet Puffin tastes like chicken**

"Don't do it"

**Iceland, you want him back…well you can't have it.**

***maniacal laughter***

"I warned you….Mr. Puffin…It's dinner time."

**Iceland, what do you think that will…ouch…that, that sonaofbird just bit me**

"Feast away Mr. puffin, feast away."

*demonic squawking noises*

**Demon bird DEMON BIRD! Get it OFF me!**

"…wait… Mr. Puffin, stop don't eat dirty things"

*Mr. puffin appears out of the dark, joins Iceland.*

**You little demon bird owning, incestuously sexual freak, that's why you have no hat OR friends Get out!**

*door opens*

*Iceland walks out, turns aroiund*

"Oh yeah,… my manhood is huge by the way…"

*continues walking away Mr. puffin follows*

*door slams self shut*

Denmark: "No-dic Nordic Iceland, you seen Norway"

Iceland: "….He was in there." *points to closet*

Denmark: "Thanks No-dic, Norge baby, I'm coming to make _sweet love _to ya!" -clearly drunk- *runs into closet*

Iceland: -shudders- *walks away with Mr. Pruffin*

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><p>.<p>

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(I'd bet money on Iceland's Manhood being huge….disturbing thought for the day brought to you by [CSR] )


	8. Drunken danmark In the closet

(Okay I have already stated but will do it again look carefully: "I Will Get To All Characters " I wont skip anyone….except maybe Sealand because none recognizes sealand….we shall see. Anyways, thank you for reading. )

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><p>Drunken!Danmark version<p>

*In the closet*

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

"Baby, if you wanna see stars, I can make it happen." -unzips pants-

**Mathis kohler, your hair defies gravity.**

"Hey! My hair gets the sexy chicks!….and the uglies …at times" -sips from bottle- "But they need love to!"

**Mathis kohler, you need to stop drinking.**

"But baby, that's what makes a man, A MAN! Now take it off for Daddy Den, and shake it."

**Mathis kohler, seriously man stop, your killing away what little brain cells you have left.**

-unbuttons shirt- "You know you wants to do this!"-takes a swig from bottle- "Come toPapaaaa!"-slurs-

**Mathis kohler, you're right, I do.**

"I knew it, Come give Daddy Den a lap dance!"

*opens door*

**Mathis kohler, you are a completely over bearing drunk that craves sex and has retarded gravity deifying hair…and your very shallow and stupid, also your relationship with Norway is a sick fantasy that will never happen**

"I'm I gettin' any or not?"

** ...Get out.**

"Nuh -uh! -slings drink, spills on floor- Daddy Den ain't got his in, come on Norge!"

**Mathis kohler, oh look, Sexy Norwegians are stripping outside the door.**

"That's what I'm TALKIN' about!" -shuffles to door, peeks out- "There's no one out here…"

**Oh really…*shoved out***

Denmark: "Norge?…I'm lonely again…." -runs down hall past Finland and Sweden drunk crying-

Sweden: "Wh't th' 'ell 'as th't"

Finland: "…um…Denmark...I think?"

Norway: -appears from nowhere in particular-

"Well he's drunk again…he doesn't see me yet, so I'll hide in here, tell me when he leaves"

*step in closet*

*locks*

*handle shakes*

Norway: -_- "uh, oh…"

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(so this was short..b/c…*ramble*….thank you for reading!)

Learn something new: Translation: Norge is Norwegian for Norway!


	9. Norge In the closet

(Thank you readers, reviewers, and favoriters and, whoever else I may be forgetting)

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><p>Norway version.<p>

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

"No, I can't get you free tickets on The Norwegian star*."

**Norway, can't really see ghosts.**

"…oh great, an annoying ghost…"

**Norway's , straight face is nothing when compared to Hong Kong's.**

"…What is this?"

**Norway, wants to marry Denmark some day **

"I'm not that desperate, at all."

**Norway, keeps pictures of Iceland, under his pillow **

"…I do not."

**Norway, takes pictures of Iceland while he's sleeping.**

"…I needed something to black mail him into calling me nii- san, so what."

**So that means you keep them under your pillow**

"NO!"

**Norway, steals his brothers under wear for personal use**

"I ran out…I don't know who you are, but when I find you I will curse you."

"**Norway, stole England's sorcery books and refuses to give them back."**

"The correct word is borrowed, and I gave those back weeks ago."

**Really Norway, because I swear England just called you to remind you.**

"So you tap phone lines too. Great."

**Norway steals a lot of things**

"I've never stolen anything in my life"

**Norway, frequently steals Denmark's axe, and hides it**

"That is an exception, You don't know what that annoying idiot does while drunk."

**Actually I do**

"And, you'd rather him have an axe while drunk?"

**That **_**is **_**an exception, but how do you justify stealing Japan's Doujinshi of you and Iceland**

"I…it was crack, and it had to be destroyed."

**So, Norway knows what a Doujinshi is**

"…I happen to pick up one Hungary dropped of Sweden and Finland, I still have mild nightmares."

**Sure she didn't "drop" them off for you**

"Positive."

**Norway, you positively lie, you are jealous of their relationship**

"Forced gay sex, ugh… no thank you."

**Norway wishes Denmark was half the man Sweden is in bed**

"… I've had enough, let me out."

**Norway, wishes he topped during sex**

"…"

**Norway, can't even top his own younger brother, how sad but…**

**Now you know Norway, the sorcerer thief that loves Doujinshi. He will never top, not even with his brother, but he doesn't mind as long as he has naked pictures of him to look at, he's cool. He's very Jealous of Finland and Sweden's relationship and wishes his partner Denmark was half the man Sweden is.**

-Eternally scarred- "…..I was hoping it wouldn't get to this…"

*Calls out ghoul to attack*

**Wait! Wait, wait there look **

***door opens***

"….."

*Norway walks out, then turns back*

"I topped your mom last night" *shuts door*

**Oh! Real mature Norway**

Norway: -sees drunk!denmark- "Denmark!" _You annoying ass _"Let's go…I top this time."

Denmark: "But you always top.." -Still ecstatic- "Whatever, my place, here we come!" -picks up Norge and runs off with him.-

-Runs past Sweden-

Sweden: "…mmm..ew"

Finland: "I here bells in this closet?" *opens closet* "Hello?"

*sucked in*

Sweden: "…M'Wife!"

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><p>.<p>

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(* Famous Norwegian cruise ship…Come on Norge, just one ticket is all I want...before you go off and top Den!….gawd, selfish Norwegians. IDK if spelled Doujinshi right… oh well it's Japanese p0rnz bt the way)


	10. Finland In the closet

(Hello there reader, thank you for reading!)

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><p>*Finland Version*<p>

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

"I haven't made a Finnish star in a while…"

**Tino vainamoinen, god that's a lot of syllabus in your last name **

"You could just call me Tino of Finland"

**Tino, willingly lives with a homosexual**

"Who are you…"

**Tino, secretly hates Sealand**

"I do not, he may get annoying at times…but I don't hate him"

**Tino, when Sealand calls you mom, you suppress urges to bitch slap him**

"I would never hit Sealand!"

**Tino, abusing children is bad, why do you do it**

"I don't hit kids"

**Tino, that's not what Sealand said**

"Sealand…makes things up for attention!"

**Tino, locks Sealand away in a box so he can have time with Sweden**

"I don't do that!"

**Tino, enjoys his alone time with Sweden**

"We don't have alone time either!"

**Tino, that's not what Sweden said**

"Don't listen to Sweden! He calls me his wife, which I'm not!"

**That's not what these legal documents say**

"What legal documents?"

**Tino, you know what documents, the ones with your marriage license on the side.**

"I…I burnt those…."

**Tino, what was that**

"Nothing, can I go now"

**Tino, are you having an affair with Estonia**

"…No, we make parties together, that is all"

**That's not what Estonia said**

"What did Estonia say?"

**Tino, look who's super interested all of a sudden**

"I am not…let me out of here!"

**Tino, how could you cheat on Sweden**

"I'm not…I mean, we're not together like that!"

**Tino, it's okay to come out of the closet**

"I'm not in the closet!"

**Yes you are**

"No I am not"

**Well then Tino what do you think you are standing in.**

"…a Closet…"

**Exactly you're in the closet**

"Well, in literal terms I'm in a closet but"

**Tino, you just admitted it, you're totally gay**

"I-"

**Now we all know Tino, the closet gay with the long ass last name that likes to beat little kids and lock them in boxes when he's done. He cheats on his husband with the cover up "I'm going to plan a party" which means "yeah, a party in Estonia's pants see you later sucker". I feel sorry for Sweden he has such an ungrateful cheating partner. Get out**

***Door opens* you're despicable. **

*Tino walks out then turns*

"I know someone that's won't be on Santa's list this year…"

*Slams door*

Sweden: Wh't ju't ha'pe'ed…y'u 'ook u'set.

Finland: I love you and I love Sealand, so let's go home, I miss my puppy. We'll put them all to bed, and then I'm yours for the rest of the night.

Sweden: …'kay… w'at t'e 'ell ha'pe'ed 'n t'at cl'set?

Finland: NOTHING!

Swened…-slightly scared follows Finland -

*they all go home*

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><p>.<p>

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(Finland the unfaithful one lol. Finally I'm leave Europe and go to the States, Fuck yeah!)


	11. Hero In the closet

(kudos readers, I have made it past 10 say if with me now please. …FI-NA-LAY!)

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><p>American version<p>

America: I guess I'll clean out that closet…even though it makes me depressed…and I start crying…a Hero doesn't fear depression, or tears…bring it on!

*Walks into closet, door shuts*

"Damn, it's dark in here…"

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

*spot light on him*

"Ooo, is this like Scene It, I love that game!"

**Alfred F. Jones, still plays games, how childish**

"There's nothing childish about games!"

**Alfred F. Jones, the F. stands for Fat ass**

"Okay not cool, it does not, it stand for-!"

**Alfred F. Jones, is so slow he thinks hamburgers are healthy and delicious **

"They are, they're the best food on the entire plant! "

**Alfred F. Jones, you must be from another planet then**

"My friend Tony's from another planet…Tony is that you?"

**Alfred F. Jones, Mathieu is bigger than you**

"In size or population?"

**Where it counts**

"Whatever, I have a huge Florida! …What's he got..?"

**Alfred F. Jones, doesn't speak real English**

"Then what do you think I'm speaking now?"

**Alfred F. Jones, you speak some reduplicated form of British English with provincialism* and slang**

"….What does that mean?"

**Alfred F. Jones, It means your language is quite nice….**

"I knew it! I'm gonna tell Iggy!"" -Calls England on cell-

-ring ring- -ring ring-

"What the BLOODY HELL do you want America?"

"England, I speak British English with provin..cial..ism and slang, isn't that awesome!"

"….Do you know what time zones are you git!" -Hangs up- -4am-

"Well, … I thought it was cool" -9pm-

**Alfred F. Jones, collects junk**

"I do not; I have lots of useful things!"

**Alfred F. Jones, when was the last time you used that musket? **

"-Sharp inhale-…..whimpers…"

**Alfred F. Jones, … you're making this awkward for me**

"What, it's not like I'm crying…Heroes don't cry!" -Laughs nonstop-

**Alfred F. Jones, Good cause I didn't wanna hear it, but then again….your laugh is annoying**

"My laugh is amazing and Heroic!"

**Heroic like Mario or Heroic like Superman**

"Both of them combined Heroic!"

**Ugh…what a horrible mental image I need cyanide to kill it, heroes shouldn't scar others like this**

"I'm still am awesome hero"

**Who told you that lie?**

"It's not a lie I am the hero and I laugh Heroically!"

**Alfred F. Jones, if by heroically you mean, a nerd then yes, you are very very heroic**

"I know I am!…wait did you just insult me…?"

**Alfred F. Jones, have you seen Shrek **

"I love moves!**"**

**Explicit Movies and Shrek?**

"What?**"**

**I'll take that as a yes, I would like to inform you that your new theme song is the song that the fairy god mother on Shrek sings, it goes like this **

"**I need a hero….blah blah blah I need a hero in my life…"**

**or this song by that one guy**

"**I can be your hero baby!…I can take away the pain! I….will…."**

**Or maybe this one by foo fighters**

"**There goes my hero! Watch him as he goes, dunnununun"**

"…Who are you? And why are you singing in my closet"

**Alfred F. Jones, I'm that burger you couldn't finish 32 years ago**

"I've Never not finished a burger in my life!"

**Touché Alfred F. Jones, double negatives **

"hahahahhahhahahhahhahahah! I know…wait what?"

**Alfred F. Jones, I'm that Scone England gave you**

"That,… make sense cause I didn't eat it, I don't know where it went…_do _I hoard things?"

**Now you know Alfred F. Jones, an humanoid Extraterrestrial with dead taste buds. When he landed on earth he tried to adapt to the British language, but that didn't turn out too well, or good at all. Now he collects junks and has delusions of being a Super hero as a result of spending too much time watching explicit movies and playing fantasized hero action games. Whenever England gives him presents in the form of food America throws it in this closet where it has taken the form of a vengeful Toxic Scone that sings songs with the word Hero in it. Also, his junk is small**

*Door open*

**You may leave**

"Finally! I'm hungry! By scone monster."

**By mom**

*DOOR SHUTS*

"…WHAT!" -shudder-

America:-Call England- ring ring- ring-

England: "What, what could you _possibly _want at four in the bloody morning now!

America: "Remember those scones you gave me"

England: "AND!"

America: "I never ate them…they just kinda festered and mutated in my closet where I store them."

England: "You…you ungrateful git….you're telling me, you made some kind of delicious scone mass in your closet with the precious scones I gave you."

America: "Yeah kinda…except he's angry and… toxic and …it called me mom so you're…"

England: =_=…..Not my demon scone child at a 4 in the morning -hangs up-

America: "ugh!…"-Ring ring- ….. "…Hey Canada…"

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><p>Begin An

( Learn something new:

Scene it is some American game or something like that.

Canada is bigger that US by size not population.

Provincialism is narrow-mindedness, lol big words

There is a 5,6,7,or 8 time difference between UK and US depending on where you are in the US)

The voice is not really a scone monster.

Also Ladyofthelake13 I couldn't use those things because you said them…I like to surprise the readers with my stupid ness…Sorry? Everyone else just go ahead and suggest characters and I will get to them in the order they come….or if you want a redo of another character, I could do that to…sorry about the long A/n end


	12. Maple  In the closet

Canada version

America: "Thanks for coming over dude! The closets over here...good idea you brought a broom, you can sweep it out!"

Canada: "…we're not Curling*…" -drops broom-

America: "….yeeeeaaah…So, could you check out my closet and get that thing out?" -pushes in-

"Thanks bro!"

**Know your stars…**

**Know your stars…**

**Know your stars…**

"Hockey stars?…"

**Mathieu Williams, did you come here on a dogsled.**

"What are you implying?"

**A stereotype, don't all Canadians travel by dogsled**

"Well…some do but-"

**Mathieu Williams, lives in an igloo**

"Stop stereotyping me!"

**Mathieu Williams, likes to bathe in maple syrup**

"…That…I….…no, I would not!"

**Took a while, are you sure**

"Well…I mean NO...I MEAN YES!…I'm confused."

**Mathieu Williams, is secretly a maple tree lumberjack**

"I would never cut down a maple tree."

**I know, It's just a cover up you use since your America's side kick**

"His what?"

**Mathieu Williams, is secretly, Maple Man**

"….I am not maple man."

**Your right I'm sorry, it's Maple boy**

"What? How's that any better….AMERICA OPEN THE DOOR!"

America: -Headphone on- -singing- "There goes my hero!…Watch him as he goes! Dunununununun There GOES THE HERO." WATCH AMERICA! Oh yeah ! uh huh! The hero, the hero, the hero's on FIYAH! -dances-

**Mathieu Williams, only feeds kumajiro if he remembers his name**

"I feed Kuma all the time"

**Maybe I should call animal control and report an abusive Canadian**

"I don't abuse Kuma!"

**Mathieu Williams, where's Kumajiro now?**

"I left him at home today."

**Did you fill his food dish before you left?**

"… It's an automatic feeder…he can eat whenever he wants"

**Sure he can, or is that what you just tell people **

"I do not abuse animals"

**Oh! now it's animals in general, I knew it, you hurt more than just kumajiro**

"ughhhh! I don't abuse anything! Stop lying!"

**I feel abused when you yell at me like that, why do you hurt so many**

-eye twitch - "Let me out."

**Why so you can abuse more things**

"Please open the door…"

**Someone sounds a little mad….what, didn't kick a beaver today**

"…"

**Well I…Wait, where did you go….Maple boy?…where are you**

"I'm standing right here!"

**I can't see you maple boy, maybe I should shine your Maple leaf sky signal **

**-maple leaf appears-**

"**IM RIGHT HERE!" -waves wildy-**

**Oh well, at least now everyone knows Mathieu Williams travels by dogsled from his Igloos home. After he takes a hot bath in maple syrup, his secret to soft and bouncy hair, he takes pleasure in ignoring his pet bear as much as real people ignore him. After passing buy an empty food dish labeled "Kumajiro" he goes outside and plays a fun game of "Kick the beaver." If he's lucky and manages to land one on a mountain ranger, then there's the excitement for the day, oh those angry beavers. Sometime's he's nice enough to answer to his Maple call and backs up America the "Hero " -coughzero= and they wreak havoc on lesser nations**

***door opens***

"Finally! "

**MAPLE BOY….AWAY!**

"…hoser…"

Canada: -picks up broom-

America: -Dancing- -singing- "I'm bringing sexy back! Yep!"

Canada: "America."

America: "The hero does not know how to act , yep! Takem' to the whitehouse!"

Canada: "America!"

America: Dirty Spain~, you see these shackles England I'm your slave, I'll let France whip me if I miss behave *gasp* Canada, The signal!" -maple leaf and burger symbol appear in the sky-

America: "Quick Mapleboy, to the burger mobile !"-puts on mask-

Canada: "I just wanted to curl today, is that too much to ask for…." -puts on mask-

America: Maple boy and Burger Man, Away!

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><p><strong>An (Back to Europe I go!…teehee, Maple boy, Away!)**

Oh yeah, America was singing Hero- by foo fighters and Sexy back by J. Timberlake, his version anyways.

* Curling- Sport that involves sliding stones on ice


	13. Kiku In the closet

(Warning, this is my fail attempt at Japan…Enjoy!)

Japan version

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Publisher: Kiku! The deadline is in today, where are the mangas!

Japan: Publisher-san, don't worry they are in my closet, I will get them now.

In closet

-Door shuts-

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

"…Orion has over two hundred stars I can name by heart, but why stars publisher-san?…publisher-san?"

**Kiku Honda,…are you related to a Tohru Honda*?**

"Who…wait, why is the door locked… "

**Kiku Honda, is a masochist**

"…I do not engage in such behavior, besides, I'm too old to have sex."

**Kiku Honda, really, I bet you enjoyed getting beat by Switzerland's peace price.**

"He did no such thing…I demand you tell me who you are."

**Kiku Honda, I'm Yao, can't you tell be my seductive and sexy voice**

"No, you are not China-san, he left my house this morning, I watched."

**Kiku Honda, had a steam night with China last night**

"….0_0...I did not, we didn't do _that_, we just went to sleep."

**So you deny Switzerland but not China**

"I'm not denying _just _Switzerland-san, I also deny China-san."

**Kiku Honda, Greece and you woke up together, naked! And you had an explict-ish dream about it**

"We are friends and nothing more"

**You deny these men their pleasure, Kiku Honda, you're a sick man**

"I am in perfect health, I haven't been out to America's in weeks."

**Kiku Honda, I will keep you in here until you tell me what you did last night.**

You locked the door…THE DEADLINE! Open this door immediately; I have no time to waste.

**Kiku Honda, you pervert what are you hiding, hentai maybe**

"…No."

**Kiku Honda, watches Hentai movies with his friends at night**

"My friends and I engage in other, more appropriate behavior, when together."

**Kiku Honda, Sorry, I forgot, that was just about you at night**

"No, I don-…please open this door this is an important deadline."

**Kiku Honda, your tentacle porn manga can wait**

"This is BLEACH!"

**Kiku Honda, drinks bleach**

"Absurd, this is manga!"

**Kiku Honda, once ate a 3 big macs while at Americas**

"-_-…Never would I cause myself such bodily harm."

**Kiku Honda, buys Hungary's erotic pictures of Germany and Italy for his Doujin**

"She gave those to me!"

**Kiku Honda,…wow, aren't those your friends, making porn of your friends only makes you slightly awkward.**

"Italy-san is always nude, he probably does not care, and Germany -san is the only one who can play off the "Master" role."

**Kiku Honda, participates in voyeurism **

"It is research!"

**Kiku Honda, Yells at old ladies that do not cross the street fast enough**

"What, I hardly leave my house!"

**Kiku Honda, entices young girls to come to his house by claiming to be a bishie**

"…only Korea- san came…"

**Well know we know the Genius Japan, that likes rough sexual encounters with Switzerland, sleeping rape with Greece, and Role-play with China, he will deny it all so don't ask. After overeating in America he comforts himself by watching and writing Doujinshi, hentai, and probably yuri involving his friends, then drinks bleach for that clean, crisp feeling white clothes attain from it. He also denies he yelled and caused Tohru's mom to walk into the street, then he denies relations to, his 2****nd**** cousin, Tohru Honda b/c she would have interfered with his "studies" -coughPeepingTomcougjh- thank God he did or he would have ruined a great manga. **

"ugh…I have no time for the nonsense, please open the door or I will be forced to use one of these mangas as a weapons."

**Bring it on, Small man.**

"Fine prepare yourself."…-hiya-

*Door opens*

"My face! What's going on in here!"

"Oh, Producers-san, …are you okay."

"I'm okay…please tell me that the manga, crumpled between your fingers, is not the one we need for today."

"….Oh no Producer-san this is an American comic book."

"A what? Is it like manga.

"Never, there aren't any Bishie in comic books!"

"Oh my god! How do they read it?"

"I don't know producer- san, I honestly don't know."

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a/n

(I used to read American comics but Japanese Mangas (still a comic) are better and have Bishie and forbidden love…. that's not the only reason I read them….I read because they have a great plot…honestly, for the plot….shut up I know your laughing at me….IT"S FOR THE PLOT!...my research…:D on plot -_-) oh yeah, *Tohru Honda= fruits basket, is a manga and an anime a romantic one and so on and such.


	14. Foul mouth in the closet

(Jumpin' all over the world, literally.)

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><p>Romano version<p>

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"Lovi~, come to the beach with France, Prussia and I."

"Why so I can be raped in the ass and possibly drowned, Fuck no! Besides, I'm already perfectly tanned."

"But….we were gonna go out for pizza… and watch France hit on chicas* and get rejected or beat up…are you sure?"

"…Well fine tomato bastard, I'm going for the pizza… where are my swimming trunks?"

"In, the red closet on the second floor on the top self next to the extra cans of tomato sauce~ behind my matador's hat on the left side of my 1st place competitive Salsa dancing trophie."

"….What the hell?" -Storms off grumpily to get shorts- "So fucking far away, stupid shorts"

-opens door goes in-

*door slams shuts*

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

"HOLY TOMATO SAUCE WHOTHEFUCKSINHERE?"

**Lovino Vargas, once pushed his brother off a cliff**

"What hell is this!"

**Lovino Vargas, models dresses for Spain**

"Who the fuck are you?"

**Lovino Vargas, Love Potatoes more than Tomatoes**

"Holy shit, what's going on?" -Shakes door handle-

**Lovino Vargas, Is the dumbest Italian in the world**

"SPAIN ! Open this fucking door, I know it's you."

**Lovino Vargas, gave Germany a BJ the other day**

"You can go to hell! As if I do something so, so VILE!"

**Lovino Vargas, is secretly a ballet dancer**

"Secret my ass, I'm not gay and I _don_'t dance!"

**Lovino Vargas, that's not what this program for Swan Lake says**

"Where the hell ya get that from?"

**Russia, he said you were in it and gave it to me**

"Voice bastard, you and vodka bastard can go fuck a tutu."

**Lovino Vargas, you'd like to see that wouldn't you**

-Flips bird to darkness-

"Open this door you dumb bastard I got shit to do."

**Lovino Vargas, buys off brand clothes and accessories **

"Like Hell!" -pulls out Apple Iphone- "You see this. You see this shit!" -points to cell- "This is the shit."

**Lovino Vargas, Blackberry is better**

"Go fuck a blackberry"

**Lovino Vargas, aren't you just a saint, almost like mother Teresa**

"Damn straight voice bastard."

**Lovino Vargas, your just the nicest guy in the world aren't you**

"Yes I fucking am, don't forget it."

**Lovino Vargas, donates to charity, don't you**

"…I give the rotten tomatoes to the rats…that's enough charity to last me a full 4 months"

**Lovino Vargas, does volunteer work**

"I sure do, anytime I hang out with any of the other loser nations -cough spainandfriends cough-I'm blessing them with my _volunteered _time."

**Lovino Vargas, Loves fries**

"**Well….only when I have to visit that English bastard's place…and when he doesn't cook them…AND I don't love them their a last resort."**

**Lovino Vargas, eats ketchup on his fries. **

"…I know what you're getting at; you must think I'm a dumb ass!"

**Yes, yes I do**

"I eat my fries with MUSTARD!**"**

**Hard core**

"Damn straight!**"**

**Well now we all know Lovino Vargas, the twin killing cross dresser. While spending his time eating Whole potatoes covered in ketchup he practices his ballet recital in hopes of one day being good enough for the pros. He's not very bright and wears dreadfully ugly and off brand clothes because he has a lack of style. The up side is that he's a saint that does volunteer work and donates to various charities. He's also HARDCORE. **

***door opens***

"'Bout Time dumb ass." –Walks out and away-

"Where are your shorts amigo? Are you not going…por que?"

"I don't feel like it….Tomato Bastard."

"Okay Lovi I'll see you later then." –waves goodbye and leaves-

Moments later Romano was in the living room again watching TV

"_And if you are just now tuning in, we here at Ballet international would like to thank you for watching Swan Lake preformed live here in Russia"_

Romano in leotard "you can do this Romano, concentrate."

-Turn turn Chassé and kick, turn turn Jeté and-

-door opens

"Hey Lovi I'm home!"-

"SHIT!"

Spain goes in to the living room

"what cha watching Lovi?"

"…Soccer tournament…."

"…What are you wearing…?"

"….my new soccer uniform Dumb ass…I'm GOING TO MY ROOM!"

"…okay Lovi! Nice outfit" –slightly oblivious-

"Go DIE!"

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><p>(Requested by an anon person called Crazy tomato and ironically, Hetaliapasta90 requested when I was about to post it IDK why I find that funny)<p>


	15. Scones in the closet

(Thank you for your comments. 2000+ hits I feel so specialz~ thank you everyone!)

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><p>English version<p>

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"America that bloody sod." England was very angry and upset his sleep was interrupted at 4am.

"Stupid America, git and what not…I know…a good game of cricket* will cheer me up, now where did I put that wicket"

-goes into closet-

**Know your stars…**

**Know your stars…**

**Know your stars…**

"…What the bloody…oh…Hook, Is that you?"

**Arthur Kirkland, has imaginary friends**

"What the …All of my friends are real! "

**Arthur Kirkland, real like Pinocchio **

"Who?"

**Arthur Kirkland, attempts to kill people with his culinary skills**

"What are you trying to say, my cooking is amazing"

**Arthur Kirkland, define amazing**

"Outstanding, which I am."

**Arthur Kirkland, Loves American processed pizza**

"Do I look as if I want to die?"

**Arthur Kirkland, pretends to get drunk so he can sleep with America**

"…I am completely drunk when that happens which isn't often..shut up and open the door!"

**Arthur Kirkland, forces America wear a naked maid outfit when he comes over**

"..He does that on his own…I swear! I don't force him, why would..do that?"

**-picture of America in a maid outfit falls to the ground-**

**Arthur Kirkland, What is that then**

"I don't know what it is because I'm not looking at it -flustered- I don't know where you think I'm looking, but it's not there!**"**

**Arthur Kirkland, what's up with all those ecchi pictures of Spain in an apron?**

"Those aren't mine…you sod Open this door!" – he's lying-

**Arthur Kirkland, I suppose they could be Hungary's **

"YES, Yes they are!"

**Arthur Kirkland, makes sense since you're in it with platform heels and a maid dress on.**

"….What?…I don't wear dresses!"

**Arthur Kirkland, This picture says you cross-dress**

"That picture is a bloody lie! I've never worn a dress in my life."

**Arthur Kirkland, hates earl grey **

"…The tea or that guy down the street?"

**Both!**

"Absutd!1! Earl grey tea is the nectar of life, It sooths and calms one's unrested soul, it is the gate way into a world of peace. There is nothing I love more than to wake up on a cool November morning and relax outside on my deck watching the sun rise while sipping on this gift from god. All hail Earl grey tea the most magnificent beverage, next to beer. Oh, and I hate that sod Earl grey down the street, he likes coffee. "

**Uhg..beautiful monologue there Arthur Kirkland**

"thank you, anything else?**"**

**Arthur Kirkland, do you know a queen Elizabeth?**

"Of course I know her you wanker! What about her"

**She was murder yesterday**

"..what? that can't be!"

**Arthur Kirkland, don't worry the culprit is being pursued **

"Oh thank heavens!"

**Luckily she didn't eat the entire sconce the culprit sent to her. The remains are now being traced to the owner, oh look the results, … Arthur Kirkland, why did you kill our queen **

"What?"

**-Panda car sirens-**

**Well, I suppose now we all know Arthur Kirkland, the murderer who wishes he had real friends so he doesn't have to make them up. Arthur likes to spend his time getting laid by America and cross dressing with Spain. He has an obsession with tea, that's not healthy but hates Earl Grey, Ironic. His cooking is toxic and should come with a black box warning when sent as gifts. Arthur Kirkland, if I were you ,I'd be running now…but I don't have legs**

**-door opens-**

**HE's OVER HERE!**

**-Panda cars outside England's house-**

England: "I didn't do it I swear."

Cop: "Don't resist!"

England: "Okay maybe I did send them to her, but they aren't poisonous!"

Cop: "Are you resisting?"

England: -crosses arms- "YES! Why would a NATION kill their ruler?"

Cop: "He's resisting, -pulls out stun gun - requsting permission to taze Sir?"

England:" …Wait I'M NOT RESISTING ANYMORE!"

Sir cop: Taze his ass.

England: "Dam-" –stunned and arrested-

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><p>.<p>

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(Anyone catch how I said I was going Europe than I did Japan? Oops

(cricket: A game with flat balls, hard balls, and wickets

Panda cars : English police cars)


	16. Kung pow chicken asian in the closet!

a/n: to reviewer : Yes I am familiar with ballet.

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China version

"Aiya! What are you guys doing?"

"A game China-san" Japan ran into the kitchen and disappeared like the ninja he is.

"Go hide and Korea will try to find us all, the reward for finding us all is to grope your ass ." Hong Kong blankly stated as he went into china's bed room.

"What! I did not agree to this aru!"

"Just go hide already!" Taiwan ran past China and hid in the living room.

"Okay…Stop running in my house aru!"

"Ten Five One, ready or not here I come Da ze! Prepare to be claimed! China's ass will be mune!"

"Ohhh…um….in here aru!"

*In closet*

**Know your stars…**

**Know your stars…**

**Know your stars…**

"Shhh aru! Be quiet, I don't want to be groped!"

**Yao Wang, my wang, chicken wang**

"What the…aru? This is my hiding place go somewhere else."

**Yao Wang, secretly likes being stalked by Russia the Panda**

"Panda! Where aru?"

**Yoa Wang, is having sexual relations with Korea**

"In Korea's basic logic deprived dreams"

**Yao Wang, burns cute and fluffy things on a kotatsu**

"Wha- aiya who are you?"

**Yao Wang, I'm shinatty-chan**

"Oh, Shinatty-chan! How are you today aru?"

**Yao Wang, I'm fine, aannnnnd, I think we should see other people**

"See them for what?"

**Divorce papers**

"For who"

**For us, I want to end **_**us**_

"Aiya! When in the Chinese new year did we get married?"

**Year of the sex kitten, besides that doesn't matter anymore Yao Wang, I'm too good for you, leave and never come back**

" -_- …This is my house aru…"

**Yao Wang, Hello kitty and I are starting a family together here**

"Aiya I am the only one allowed to release the dragon in this house!"

**Yao Wang, you will be the maid of honor at our wedding, theme; pretty in pink **

"…NO aru! Shinatty-chan what did I do wrong"

**Yao Wang, you cosplay with Japan to much, we never have anytime together**

"I do not, only on Crazy cosplay Thursdays and Mega Anime Monday"

**Yao Wang, you criticize my cooking and it's hurtful**

"Well, when you burn sushi, there's no help for you aru!"

**You're never here for the kids**

We have kids?

**Yao Wang, How could you forget them, your terrible**

"How the aru, did we have kids? We both have…I mean I know I'm feminine-ish but…"

**No more excuses Yao Wang, the taxi is outside waiting for you **

"Aiya! Shinnaty -chan I live here, I'm not going anywhere!"

**Not any more, you're leaving**

"Don't make me call animal control, cause I will call animal control aru!"

**Yao Wang, you are leaving, your bags are outside on the steps**

"But! This is"-

**No butts, I already forged my own deed to this house, it's now mine **

"Where will I go aru?"

**Yao Wang, If you believe in yourself you can do anything**

"What? I don't understand."

**I thought a motivational quote would help **

"It didn't aru"

**Yao Wang, stop abusing me with your words**

"I didn't say anything."

**Don't make this hard on me Yao**

"I'm sorry shinatty-chan!"

**Just leave!**

"okay"

**I can't believe I wasted so much time on you. Well now everyone knows the real Maid of honor, Yao chicken Wang, the Guy that is cheating on Shinatty-chan with Korea because he actually hates the guy and loves Russia the stalking panda instead. He abuses Shinatty verbally and mental. He forgets the kids he had with Shinatty through Asian technology then begs for forgiveness. At least Shinatty- chan and China jr will live happily with everything they got from the court settlement. No, shinatty-chan is not a gold digger.**

"I'm sorry?"

**Get out!**

**-Door opens-**

"China, I found you!" –gropes-

"Get off of me! I just lost everything because of you!"

"Lost the game da ze?"

-Everyone comes out of hiding-

"China-san where are you going?"

"What's the matter china?"

"I'm such a horrible spouse! Aru! I neglected my children! No more cosplay, no more cheating. I'll come back a better man. I swear Aru!"

-China get's in Taxi and drives off-

Hong Kong looks over at the other Asians. "…What the hell was he talking about?"

"…must be about Japan, he said cosplay, son and spouse" said Taiwan

"Taiwan-chan, I doubt he-"

"NO!, No da ze, he left before I could grope his ass! Come back here!" -runs after taxi-

Japan: "…Tea and doujin at my place?"

other Asians: "Sure, why not."

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(a/n published :4-9-11 I think dating will help me keep up with time gaps) Tea and doujin sounds like a JapanxEngland fic XD


	17. Vodka in the closet

(Hello awesome reader sorry for the wait, enjoy~)

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><p>.<p>

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"Now, where did my Soviet condoms go?" Russia asked of his lackeys.

"Oh, I put them away in your closet; they were getting dusty from lack of use." Latvia said.

"Latvia…there is no leisure intercourse in soviet Russia."

"Soooo, intercourse is a job now?…Russia are you a mauka now?" Latvia asked.

"A what Latvia?"

"There's vodka in the closet next to the condoms." Lithuania said, using his quick wit to save Latvia from a painful punishment, or worse.

"Condoms and vodka, sounds like someone's having a party." Estonia said approaching from the hall, because he was unable to run by with out being seen.

"Maybe so Estonia, possibly you three and me." Russia goes to closet leaving Lithuania, Estonia and Latvia scared of what's to come.

"Now, where are my toys?"

*Door shuts itself*

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

**Know your stars …**

"Lithuania? It's not time for 'play in the closet time', is it?"

**Ivan Braginski, loves playing with cute kittens**

"Kittens?…they don't fly very far but yes, I can enjoy a good kitten every so often. "

**Ivan Braginski, saves abandon animals**

"Save them for what?"

**Ivan Braginski, like to hug his older sister**

"Katyusha's boobs are to big for hugs"

**Ivan Braginski, wears his scarf in the bath tub**

And what is wrong with that?

**Ivan Braginski, that's just weird.**

"kolkolkolkol"

**Ivan Braginski, what the hell does that mean?**

"kolkolkol"

**Ivan Braginski, what are you cold or something, ?**

"…"

**Ivan Braginski, had an affair with Yao wang**

"Who was he married to? He said he was single."

**Ivan Braginski, has several illegitimate children**

"I do…I'm sorry"

**Ivan Braginski, you know have to pay Childs support**

" Can I pay in vodka, preferably, a shot of it per child."

**Ivan Braginski, supports underage drinking**

Ivan Braginski, I drank all the time when I was young, and look how well I turned out

**Ivan Braginski, when are you going to marry your sister**

"I'm not marrying my sister."

**Ivan Braginski, what about becoming one with your sister**

"No, my sister is a full grown nation that can take care of herself without my support, so I will not become one with Ukraine."

**What about the other one**

"…Where are my condoms and vodka?"

**So, you like to get em' wild and ready, at least you use safety**

"What's wild and ready?"

**Belarus, let me call her over for you.**

"No, let her stay at home! Please!"

**Hey, Belarus! Russia wants to see you. He's ready to party! **

**-Foot steps in the darkness-**

"**Brother?"**

"NO, GO HOME!"

–begins beating on door with lead pipe-

**Now we all know the sentimental Ivan Braginski, the guy that takes care of abandoned animals and loves snuggling kittens. In his spare time Russia like's to bathe with his scarf on then dry off by walking around with nothing but a scarf until the water dries up. While fantasize about squeezing his sisters outrageously huge assets Russia visits his illegitimate kids and gives them vodka as reparation for never being with them, that's some great** p**arenting skills there. Russia is secretly embarrassed by his very tick which he repeatedly says he's cold.** **He's a work hard play hard type of guy and would love to get it on with Belarus, despite the taboo there, what a brave guy, you get her tiger!**

"NEVER!"

-Breaks down door and runs away-

**-**Emerging from the shadows -

"Brother, come back and commit to me!"

-Runs after-

Baltic nations were cowering in fear together and bending over in very suggestive positions, waiting for Russia to return.

-Russia runs by-

Lativa: "…Forgot vodka?"

Estonia: "…no condoms?

Lithuania: 'This is going to hurt."

Latvia and Estonia: "WE KNOW!" –Wailing-

Lithuania: -moves aside-

Belarus runs into Baltic two

Lithuania: "Hi Belarus it's so nice to see you."

Belarus: "Shut up cockblocker!" –Resumes her hunt-

Lithuania: "She's so nice"

Estonia: Yeah. -_-…

Latvia: Sometime's I'm glad Belarus comes by. I wish Belarus would stay here all the time!

Lithuania: "Me too"

Estonia: "…me, not so much, could you imagine the horror of Russia having forced sex all the time"

Baltic 3:…-thinking-

Lithuania: "I'll clean a room out."

Estonia: "I'll get her stuff"

Latvia: "Oh, sweet revenge."

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><p>(an:) Mauka: Latvian word for prostitute. Look up Soviet condoms -_- do it.)

Pub date: 4-11-12 hr4:31


	18. Chapter 18

Official on hiatus or whatever it's called because I have national exams next next week so I have to study. I know this is not a story so I will write a quick one

* * *

><p>.<p>

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Once upon a time young holy roman empire sat in the grass on a clear summer day, trying to dranw bunnies and flowers as usual when he's seemingly gender confused friend came up to him from nowhere.

"Roman empire, why are you sitting in the grass? Go inside where you will be comfortable."

Holy Roman Empire looked up from his crappy stick figure bunny and grimly said

"Oh hi china, I was trying to learn how to draw so I could get someone to like me a bit more...but my drawings aren't working out quite well… "

"Oh Roman Empire, girls aren't like Pokémon, you can't catch them all. Aru."

Thus with that China walked away from Holy Roman Empire who looked off into the sunset with a upset face.

"What is a Pokémon?"

* * *

><p>Thus there is finally proof of china and HRE knowing each other.<p>

Back to the main problem at hand, I will be back after May the 10 so don't cry *hands tissue in advance* It will be like season 2 when I get back better, longer, funnier. Look forward to them they'll be worth it!

Pub date: 4/24/2012


	19. Total metrosexual in the closet

_Hello there, -insert shallow apologies for not publishing in forever- Sooooo here it is!_

_Poland_

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"Like, Lithuania, I totally gotta show you this awesome snake skin coat I got the other day."

"But, Poland I-"

"No liet!, You _have _to see it, it's hot pink and has black fur and zippers in all kinds of places, if it were pants I could stick my pecker out of multiple holes, isn't that like totally rad! "

"...Poland... really I-"

"And guess what, I even got you one, it's blue, like, not sky blue kinda like a blueberry blue...or maybe ocean water blue...Gawd, there are like, so many types of blues! I'll just like totally go get it and show you, it's so gnarly!"

"Poland!"

"Hold that thought Liet, I'll be right back"

So, Poland goes into the closet to retrieve the jacket he bought for his ..._friend_... Lithuania.

-In closet-

"Like, why doesn't the sun ever shine in here?"

-Door slams shut-

"Totally not cool, like, my manicure so does not glow in the dark, lying manicurist."

**Know your stars**

**Know your stars**

**Know your stars**

"My yoga instructor can do God-like things for your body, but he not like, famous or anything…not like me!...Yet."

**Feliks Lukasiewicz, Made out with his pony**

"Uh, like, Gag me with a spoon please, that's so grotesque, pony's my BFFL"

**Feliks Lukasiewicz, your Butt Fucking friend lover?**

"Like Bogus! He's my best friend for life!"

-shakes handle-

"Okay this is grody, unlock the door"

**Felik Lukasiewicz, has never had a real friend**

"Okay, this is so totally not funny! I have all kinds of friends!"

**Feliks Lukasiewicz, has never-**

**-cut off by cell ring tone-**

_-__I was like, she was all, he was all, they were like, we were like oh mi god, like, totally, we were like, I was all, they were all, he was like, she was like, oh totally, like oh my god!-_

"Ello! Poland here! No, I'm not busy right now."

…**well excuse me ****Feliks Lukasiewicz****,**** I'm not here at all**

"Like no way! Totally, like awesome, No friggin way…Okay…okay…Like dude that's so totally awesome."

**Feliks Lukasiewicz, does not-**

"Like, wait a sec." –cover end of cell- "Like excuse you but I'm like totally on the phone right now with my best galpal! So like, shut up and stuff please."

**Feliks Lukasiewicz****,**** Never****-**

"Okay I'm back…no he didn't, omg Ukraine that's so totally awesome! No way!"

**Feliks Lukasiewicz, can't actually count**

"Like no fricking way Urkaine! Omg Omg OMG! I like totally disagree."

**Feliks Lukasiewicz, hates the color pink**

"No way, no way, no way…..No waay lol, like yes eat it all!"

**Felik Lukasiewicz, wears girly underwear to feel sexy**

"Dude if I were you I'd totally smack that with a fish."

**Felik Lukasiewicz, watches Nyan cat for hours, and enjoys it!?**

"OMG! We need to go shopping! I saw this top that totally complements your frame and stuff."

**Felik Lukasiewicz, has no sense of style what so ever!**

"Okay Ukraine babe, I gotta go but I'll like totally call you later I swear mkay, bye girlfriend! Kisses!"

-hangs up-

"Okay listen bitch, I have more style in this one strand of hair then you'll ever have in like, your entire meaningless life. Now, open this door before I open a can of whoop- ass and go all Warsaw bitchy mode on you, then I'll bring pony in here and you so totally don't want that okay."

-Door creaks open-

"Like taking voice lessons would hurt either, you sound like pony when he takes a constipated dump, oh wait I just totally lied, you sound much worse than that."

-Poland grabs jacket and walks away-

…**your last name is stupid!****-**

So, Poland headed back to Lithuania, ready to show him the awesome jacket he so considerately bought for him.

"Like Lithuania here is it, isn't it like so totally awesome, rad, and stylish!"

"Poland, I can't see objects when we're talking through a land-line phone…"

Poland laughed into the phone at his friend.

"Liet, you're like, soooo, silly, all you need to do is look through the little holes in the phone and you'll see the jacket, gawd Liet, you're so slow sometimes!"

Poland aimed the phone at the jacket.

"See it's totally awesome patterns and stuff, like cool right"

"…Poland I…ugh….it's a nice jacket Poland…"

"OMG, I totally knew you would like it come over and try it on!"

"What about tomorrow or something, I can't really leave righ-"

"No Liet! You like so totally have to come today! Tomorrow me and Ukraine are going on a shopping spree, and you never wanna go and I like so need someone to carry my extra bags and there was this dress that I would look so cute in I want you to see by the way I want you to get a pedicure with me again and I need-"

"Oh um I'll just come today, I'll be right over okay!"

" A new pair of, oh that's like so awesome Liet I'll be waiting, shoes and then I want to , help Ukraine find something other tha those overalls she wears …and maybe a support bra and then I think we need to get matching-"

"I ..I can't leave if you're talking on the phone." Seconds later Lithuania's landline phone when dead and he was so very happy for Poland had finally shut up and gave him a grace period of silence until he reached Poland's house. Just as Lithuania got in his car his cell rung.

"Hello, Lithuania speaking."

"Hi Liet, I had to like totally go and find my cell, anyways, I think we should get matching unicorn horns and ride on pony into the sun set or maybe king and queen outfits, but I'm the king and…. "

On the inside Lithuania broke down and cried while he got in his car and drove to Poland's house, thank god they were close neighbors but unfortunately for him Poland always randomly checked to see if he was still listening, which he was, and it was a totally awesome one-sided conversation Lithuania listened to the entire ride there.

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If you want to here Poland's ring tone, go here,

youtube.

com

watch?v=q7IHzrgc54s

although I'm sure everyone has heard that song before.

Thanks for reading!...stupid non linking


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